He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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