There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Boobs are out for the taking
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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