I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
