I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Randomize
