I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
