i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
