Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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