That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I made him laugh his dick is mine
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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