what do you have against ST
DO NOT ABBREVIATE LIKE YOU AND STAR TREK ARE FRIENDS.
you will always have a special place in my vag
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
