did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
