i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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