Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Randomize
