Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Randomize
