this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize