actually, I'm a sock model
i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
