I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
