Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
