We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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