I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
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