I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
