So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
