I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
