I hope mine doesn't look like that
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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