I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
