Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
