he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I deserve this hangover.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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