i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
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