I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
