I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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