you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Randomize
