The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Randomize
