I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
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