Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Randomize
