I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
Randomize