theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
