I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
