you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
My vagina is officially offended.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
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