I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Randomize
