oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
