I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
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