Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
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