Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
