Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
