Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Randomize
