I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
