I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
