you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
