i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
