dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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