I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
