about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
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