remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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