Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize