My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
