remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
