i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Randomize