I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
