Your face is a jimmy john
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
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