Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
