I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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