Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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