She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
