i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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