It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
