I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
