On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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