Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
