I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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